T Campbell's Blog

(I'm getting closer, but I'm still not quite ready to get back to the Web full-time. Couple more days, probably. In the meantime, enjoy this... and let me know if you would be interested in a book full of this sort of thing.)

Transformers Season One. Ah, for the days when you could suggest "computery" with a simple distorted color-on-color grid.

Gotta love how unconcerned the Autobots seem to be about all that laser fire: rather than staying low to the ground in vehicle form or finding a foxhole somewhere, they just run at the Decepticons like they're ready for some football.

Jazz, the popular pimped-out Porsche, gets a special award for Creative Use of Transformation in Combat.

I really like the penultimate shot: it shows that the Autobots really have to sweat to get the job done, since (at this stage) the Decepticons can fly and they can't. This is unfortunately mitigated somewhat by the last shot, which-- um-- shows the Autobots flying. (Truth in advertising, in a way: The TV series was wildly inconsistent on this one.) Nice use of the American Midwest setting, though.

Transformers Season Two. Now we're talkin'. Look how much they can cram into 33 seconds:

:01-03: Three seconds in and already we have a cooler image than anything that turned up in the actual series: the Autobot and Decepticon symbols FLYING THROUGH SPACE as if they are ROBOTS THEMSELVES. This cuts right to the animism that makes Transformers so appealing in the first place, the idea that ANYTHING might be alive but most ordinary people (i.e., grownups) wouldn't know about it until it was too late.

:04: Planet Cybertron.

:05: Earth.

:06-08: A desert volcano erupting with both red and purple lava, the gang colors of the Autobots and Decepticons.

:08-11: The Dinobots, probably the most appealing subset of Transformer characters. Dinosaurs are the ultimate power fantasy for kids and still a powerful one for adults: it's not that they're so strong they don't have to be smart, it's that they're so strong that the very DEFINITION of "smart" bends around them like light around a black hole. When ROBOT dinosaurs are in the house, "smart" means staying out of their frikkin' WAY.

:12-13: Blitzwing, a "triple-changer" who goes from plane to robot to tank in two seconds flat.

:14: Blink and you'll miss Omega Supreme in tank-to-tank combat with Blitzwing, which quickly resolves as...

:15=16: Omega transforms into giant robot mode and SQUISHES THAT NAZI LIKE AN OVERSIZED COCKROACH. This was the first sign we'd get that Transformers could be HARDCORE. The only thing that would make this moment better would be if one of the Constructicons rushed in and carted the ex-Blitzwing off the battlefield for repair or possibly for spare parts.

:17: OH WAIT, THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS.

:18-20: Astrotrain does his best to go with the flow and hopes we won't notice how lame a concept it is to transform into a train AND a space shuttle. It doesn't work, because in train mode, he can only go in a straight line and is practically BEGGING to be shot, and then he asks us to believe that a space shuttle launches itself from the ground. Even when we're kids we know that's not how it works.

:21-23: I wasn't aware that insects made their homes in lava, but the Insecticons are creepy and cool so they get a pass.

:24-26: A brief invocation of the first season's intro, with better graphics. Note how Megatron, despite having a weapon three times the size of Optimus', is not remotely as good a shot. Say it with me: it's not the size, it's how you use it.

Transformers Season Three. I didn't see the movie between seasons two and three like everyone else (I caught it a few years later), so my knowledge was limited to these few but important facts:

1) They had KILLED Optimus Prime.

2) The guy with the kewl flames on his chest was NOT OPTIMUS PRIME. You could tell because the opening sequence barely showed him at ALL.

3) They had done... something... to Megatron.

4) No matter what they said, the guy with the "futuristic" crown and the seemingly permanent PMS was NOT MEGATRON. (Sure, they both had a tendency to fly off the handle, but Megatron had a certain emotional RANGE the new guy lacked.)

5) Unicron, the eater of worlds who had looked pretty impressive in the spoileriffic previews, was now dead.

6) That was Unicron's severed head in the opening credits, which was good for about one storyline when it looked like he might regain his body, and afterwards was just a reminder that no threat in Season Three came close to the urgency of a planet-eater.

7) I was pretty sure that when two robot cities fought, they didn't actually whirl around and around like the Tasmanian Devil.

8) Somebody in production was really REALLY REEEEALLY reaching with some of these transitions.

9) When you're being shot at in an open area, transforming into a boom box doesn't seem like the most viable strategy.

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. A few thoughts:

1) I always thought He-Man's disguise was actually pretty good. His voice was completely different, his musculature was exactly the same as 98% of all the males on Eternia, and unlike Adam, he was black.

...WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW! I didn't grow up next to a tanning salon! It's not like there was a wide range of human skin tones on the program! (Evil-Lyn may have been Asian-- toy says yes, toon says no.) Besides, I still like the theory... there's nothing in the cartoons that disproves it, and it makes the secret ID much more plausible. Which is necessary, because...

2) Imagine that every time Clark Kent ducks into a supply closet or a phone booth, lightning strikes him and he announces in a booming voice that HE HAS THE POWER. Granted, the secret ID thing has never been the most plausible part of superhero mythology (and comic books seem to be undergoing a collective "crisis of faith" about it now) but it's not like Adam's transformation is as easily disguised as a session with a PLAYBOY in the men's room. Billy Batson, as far as I can tell, covers for his transformations into Captain Marvel by having no social life whatsoever, but Adam is a flippin' PRINCE, and a notorious bad boy at that. The Sorceress had to be expending most of her magical resources on "impair logical deduction" spells.

3) Omniphobia is funny. We used to get cowardly characters in cartoons all the time, from Cringer to Scooby-Doo to Snarf to Dan Quayle. We don't anymore, and I'm not sure why, although it is hard to tell sometimes whether Cringer is just an introvert who needs regular shots of magical steroid lightning, or a genuine split personality traumatized by the actions of his danger-loving alter ego. Neither option makes He-Man look like the world's most responsible pet owner.

4) Why is He-Man punching me? Was it something I said? Man-At-Arms and Orko too? What IS this?

5) The version I see here references "the evil Masters of the Universe," which quickly got changed to "the evil forces of Skeletor." Good thing too, because the series title doesn't make a lick of sense. Who are the Masters of the Universe? He-Man and crew? They never seem to regulate the orbit of Venus or tax Andorians or anything. Skeletor and co? If they're already Masters, why not call in an alien armada and drop a few dozen A-bombs on the palace already? Maybe it's just propaganda, like the "Thousand-Year Reich?" Or maybe it's like an M.A.?

Thundercats. Quite possibly the best of all the 1980s animated intros. The animation is fluid and exciting, the use of anatomy honors the tradition of Neal Adams (within the limited abilities of overworked Japanese studio hands), the lyrics are meaningless but the tune is infectious and fun, and the whole thing remains very much on message. That message is: THESE GUYS ARE NOT TO BE MESSED WITH.

Seriously. We start with a sequence in which Lion-O is channeling energies visible from space. Then follows a collection of action sequences where our major players mow down like a hundred guys. Then they all assemble for the "family photo" shot and you're just starting to wonder why they occupy so little of the screen when the final member of the family sorta-casually turns into the frame.

"Yeah, that's right. We've got a GIANT GHOST on our side. You know what he's like? HE'S LIKE GOD, ONLY MORE HANDS-ON. GAME. OVER."

Mumm-Ra isn't given a lot of space for a rebuttal, but he does pretty well, considering. We get a quick shot of Slithe and the others cowering before his power, which nicely drives the point home: this is the guy that the GENOCIDAL COALITION is afraid of. Lion-O's shown as no lightweight with an impressively animated leap and more ruby-colored ordnance, but Mumm-Ra's looking pretty hale and hearty in those last few seconds. It's unusual for a series intro to end with the implication that the hero might be in real trouble here, but that's what we get.

Which is what set Thundercats apart. When He-Man went up against Skeletor or Optimus against Megatron, you knew that in the end the good guy would win because he was stronger. But you DIDN'T know that with the Thundercats, especially in the early shows. And considering how kickass they're shown to be in this intro (which only demonstrates a fraction of their full powers and abilities) that's pretty damned impressive.

Granted, Mumm-Ra had a weakness that anyone with sufficiently whitened teeth could exploit. Granted, Slithe's team was so incompetent he made Skeletor look like Patton. And granted, in the intro, Mumm-Ra's scream is less one of rage and more one of getting the world's first palm-to-crotch paper cut. Nothing is perfect in this life.

SilverHawks. You can tell this is done by the same team that did Thundercats because of the animation quality, the music quality and the general here-are-the-awesome-good-guys-here-are-the-awesome-bad-guys setup.

Unfortunately, the character designs aren't as good. Full-face masks are cool and all, but Spider-Man notwithstanding, it's tough to cheer for characters whose faces we can't see. "Partly metal, partly real" made no sense to me in the Eighties and doesn't now-- what keeps those fleshy "real" parts from exploding in the vacuum of space? (No, don't send me the explanation. I'm talking first impressions here.) And the heavy approach to anatomy that worked so well with cat-men works considerably less well when you're trying to imagine humans capable of flight.

The only thing that keeps this from being a complete wash for me is the fighting style of the Silverhawks, unique in cartoons and clearly inspired by nature, and Bluegrass' superior smirk. Look at him. "I am so cool that I don't even need wings or my own fight sequence. I haven't joined this team. It's joined ME."